--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Today was a productive day. I finally conquered the master closet! I put away all the fall/winter clothes. I condensed it to 2 containers and donated 5 bags of clothes/shoes. :) Feels good to purge! I had planned to do the same in the girls' rooms, but while cleaning, I found my old journals. I got a little side tracked and read them all. Shew!
Let me just say, first off, I was one very confused college student. So insecure. Today I found myself reading and wanting to yell at the naive girl that was trying to figure it all out. I wanted to tell her to keep listening to her gut and believe in herself! Several times I wrote in my journal what I thought God was revealing me to do, yet I went the other way. ARGH! Boy, did I have a lot to learn!
After I read through the college journal, I went on to the next phase of life journal. I forgot what a dark place I had been in after losing the babies and then through my divorce. All the insecurities and pain I felt - for lack of a better word, sucked. I was in a very unhappy place. I was not myself for a long time. I said and did things that I'm not proud of.
Instead of turning to God to work through my feelings of rejection and inadequacy, I sought acceptance in other places and people. I drank. I smoked. I jumped out of an airplane (ok, that was kinda cool). I did all kinds of things to fill the void. I was angry. There were moments where all I could do was say, "God, I'm mad. I'm mad at you. Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?"
You know what, even when I thought God had forgotten about me, He was there. When I finally woke up from my nightmare, I heard Him say, "It's not about you, Kim. It's about Me."
I wasn't a bad person, but I was making bad choices while trying to cope with the circumstances. In college, while I was seeking God, I was still trying to do it my way.
So, why am I sharing all this? Because I am so thankful for God's deliverance! It hit me today as I reminisced the good and the bad times through the years, what a wonderful place I'm in now. All that I truly wanted in my life, I have now. Every once in a while, I have to go back in time and relive some of the hurt to remind me of the blessings I have today. I never want to take those things for granted, but I do.
Even in my darkest days, He was working on me. Had I listened to God and followed His guidance from the beginning, would I be where I am now? I'll never know, but I'm grateful for the lessons I learned in the process. I didn't care for it at the time, but looking back - going through what I went through made me who I am today. I am a very different person today than I was ten years ago, twenty years ago.
Even with all my mistakes, God can and does use me. I struggled a lot - and honestly still do - with how He could use a sinner like me. Truth is, no one is perfect. No one! We all have a past. We all have our dark days. But, we have to remember that it is He who delivers us. We all need a Savior!