I started this post a few days ago, but wasn't sure where it was going.  I just knew I needed to share.  Been writing on it a few days.  A lot of my posts have been on homeschooling, my family, and my weight loss journey lately.  Sometimes I feel the need to dig a little deeper and share some of my personal thoughts.  Thanks for letting me be transparent with you today.
Today was a productive day.  I finally conquered the master closet!  I put away all the fall/winter clothes.  I condensed it to 2 containers and donated 5 bags of clothes/shoes.  :)  Feels good to purge!  I had planned to do the same in the girls' rooms, but while cleaning, I found my old journals.  I got a little side tracked and read them all.  Shew!

Let me just say, first off, I was one very confused college student.  So insecure.  Today I found myself reading and wanting to yell at the naive girl that was trying to figure it all out.  I wanted to tell her to keep listening to her gut and believe in herself!  Several times I wrote in my journal what I thought God was revealing me to do, yet I went the other way.  ARGH!  Boy, did I have a lot to learn!

After I read through the college journal, I went on to the next phase of life journal.  I forgot what a dark place I had been in after losing the babies and then through my divorce.  All the insecurities and pain I felt - for lack of a better word, sucked.  I was in a very unhappy place.  I was not myself for a long time.  I said and did things that I'm not proud of.

Instead of turning to God to work through my feelings of rejection and inadequacy, I sought acceptance in other places and people.  I drank.  I smoked.  I jumped out of an airplane (ok, that was kinda cool).  I did all kinds of things to fill the void.  I was angry.  There were moments where all I could do was say, "God, I'm mad.  I'm mad at you.  Why did this have to happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?"

You know what, even when I thought God had forgotten about me, He was there.  When I finally woke up from my nightmare, I heard Him say, "It's not about you, Kim.  It's about Me."

I wasn't a bad person, but I was making bad choices while trying to cope with the circumstances.  In college, while I was seeking God, I was still trying to do it my way.

So, why am I sharing all this?  Because I am so thankful for God's deliverance!  It hit me today as I reminisced the good and the bad times through the years, what a wonderful place I'm in now.  All that I truly wanted in my life, I have now.  Every once in a while, I have to go back in time and relive some of the hurt to remind me of the blessings I have today.  I never want to take those things for granted, but I do.

Even in my darkest days, He was working on me.  Had I listened to God and followed His guidance from the beginning, would I be where I am now?  I'll never know, but I'm grateful for the lessons I learned in the process.  I didn't care for it at the time, but looking back - going through what I went through made me who I am today.  I am a very different person today than I was ten years ago, twenty years ago.

Even with all my mistakes, God can and does use me.  I struggled a lot - and honestly still do - with how He could use a sinner like me.  Truth is, no one is perfect.  No one!  We all have a past.  We all have our dark days.  But, we have to remember that it is He who delivers us.  We all need a Savior!


  1. Anonymous said...:

    This sounds like a post I could have shared. I cringe reading old journal entries. Wow. But I am still pretty insecure in certain situations, unfortunately. Thanks for sharing this post. :)

  1. Kim said...:

    Thanks, Candace! I definitely have my share of insecurities, too. Just keep praying for strength. =)

  1. I'm sitting here nodding my head as I can relate to every bit. Isn't God oh so good to keep loving us no matter how ridiculous we are sometimes? I can't even begin to comprehend that kind of love....

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