***Warning*** Lots of Whining Ahead

So, I'm getting ready to whine just as I try to teach my kids NOT to do. I'm having a "woe is me" moment just as I have tried so hard not to do in the past few years. But, right now, in this moment - I am going to W-H-I-N-E, so prepare yourself. So, what is my deal? Is the anticipation building?? I'll tell you what the deal is. I have to go back to work. I have to enter the "real world", leave my kids behind, and work for a living. I know, I know. People choose to do it every day. I am in no way judging them. But, this is not what I had planned. This is not what I wanted to do. I wanted to stay home with BOTH of my girls at least until they both started school. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I do not want to leave Maddie. I do not want to be rushed off in a horrible morning commute taking my child to daycare for someone else to raise only to pick her up at 5:00 in the afternoon to spend a whopping 2 1/2 hours with my girls before putting them to bed. I want to be at the bus stop in the afternoon to pick up Audrey. I want to go to her school and volunteer when I'm needed. I want the freedom of snuggling with Maddie as she cuddles up on the couch in the morning to watch "my Little Einsteins" or for her afternoon nap. I want to continue to have lunch at home with her and Derek every day.

But, what do I need? I need to pay my bills on time. I need to pay off this enormous debt that we have accrued over the past 3 years (thank you 12 months of double mortgages). I need to pull myself together, get organized, get a job, and figure it all out.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I can't handle it all. I can barely keep up with the day to day functions being at home. How on earth am I going to handle a full time job AND keep up with 2 small kids, a husband, and a 3-story house?! What on earth kind of job can I find - if any? Am I going to be miserable every single day?

Am I just not trusting God enough? He has supplied all my needs thus far, but I feel that some of the choices we've made are now coming back to haunt us. I want to blame everybody else. How dare the credit card companies raise my interest rate to 29% when I was barely keeping up with the 11%. Why on earth did it take a year to sell our house in Knoxville? Really? I bought a brand new car right off the lot?! You mean it drops in value as soon as you drive away? So, why exactly did I "have" to buy that new bedroom set for Audrey? Why did I "have" to eat out three times in one week?

Ok, the reality is, we haven't always made the wisest choices. But, we've floated along up to this point. We are so blessed with Derek's job, especially in this economy, but at some point we just have to say "enough is enough". If we pay the minimum month after month, we are going to be in debt for the rest of our lives. I'm smart enough to know that is NOT GOOD. So, here I go. Resume is done. Classifieds are out.

My big girl panties are on.